Not turning this into a diary, hence whatever I write may or may not be true and anyway whatever words I write will only be so vaguely connected to whatever happens or has happened or will come to happen in the future. Also, I will be using random bolding or italicizing of words to confuse you.
Which is actually the truth of most things I write here on too many interspaced occasions.
2016 was a year of change, and so full of learning opportunities that I must actually take some time out to ponder them with their due importance. which I probably will never do.
(i’m tired again of this uppercase and lowercase thing, dropping it for now)
first time i write since i moved to the uk. i am in the conservatory, alone with some music and random beeps from messaging apps, and i look outside and see the raindrops falling in the puddles in the shale grey platform outside, under the cloud covered light gray sky. random sentences come to my mind.
I have seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
But under spell of deep sleep he moans and turns away / Taking his protection and my desire to stay.
What a wicked game to play / to make me feel this way
change is good, they say. change is not only good, it is actually necessary. it is a fact of nature. but we are human beings, and change for the sake of change is not good. it must be because we believe it will be better for us. or must it?
I hereby present you the Future Inner Prober and Advisor: FIPA. This revolutionary machine, created to the highest standards of scientific and industrial quality, can look at your present self, analyse your feelings and emotions, and though a powerful set of machine learning algorithms harnessing the collective intelligence of millions and millions of similar humans beings (a crow just flew outside my window), as well as facts about the culture and economy and the world outside, help you make the right decisions at the right time.
Never again be in doubt. Now you can balance at every single moment, on the one hand your happiness with any given choice, and in the other how well it will turn out for you in the future.
TAKE BACK CONTROL OF YOU LIFE, WITH FIPA Mk.1! All of £69.99 (or 30€ if you are in the EU).
see the chart up there on the top right? see the two marks on the bottom left corner?
i wonder. i wonder which of these choices, of these changes, were the right ones. even if some still make me feel sad, and others fill me with joy. i feel vaguely delirious and alucinating, with a heart and mind that is both empty and full, a superposition of quantum states. just like the screaming voice in this song, which – I find – makes all the difference.
one good thing of change, regardless of the outcome, is that you prove to yourself that you can do it. even if it is jumping of a cliff or brit lemmings dropping of the EU.
“oh we shall endeavour to miss him dearly, he was a good chap”
this chap here will rebuild, and smile again. after all, there is much that is good and makes him smile already.
i guess this is my message for 2017. or wish, or whatever.
THERE WILL BE CHANGE. “Man up”, like Jorge said once, and deal with it.
fuck it, this post made no sense, even for me.
oh, there was something else i wanted to add, something that came to my mind a few days ago. maybe the time has come for me to become an adult. finally, and after all these years. i am terrified at this.